Links for this Article
MP3 download(Darshan given on January 12th, 2000)
Swamiji [to a small group of ashramites]: I suffered very much, suffered. And asthmatic attack every day there was. Gurudev Swami Sivanandaji Maharaj was very kind to me. “Give him injection, injection,” he will say. And at that time there was no doctor here. Swami Sivanandaji Maharaj was the doctor. Gurudev was telling, “Do like this.” They will go to Haridwar, bring injection tube and give me. And food I cannot not eat. Chapatti, dal, who will eat North Indian food? So I suffered, suffered. I became thin, and six months I suffered to adjust myself to chapatti because I had never seen the face of chapatti in my life. I didn't know what it is. Suddenly I have come to chapatti world, and all this.
But Gurudev was there at that time, a great consolation for us. For three days he didn't talk to me when I came here. First day I sat near him. He was doing work in the office, and he would not look at us. There were 2-3 sitting there. He was concentrated on work only. He got up. Then I said, “I want to stay here and do yoga.” He wouldn't hear also. He went away. I said, “Very pitiable condition. I have come all the way. So what I do? No food here.” I didn't eat because I didn't know who will give food. What kind of thing? I thought people are eating leaves here, leaves, as yogis. Then I slept in a Ramashram tin shed. Nowadays there is no tin shed. They have removed it. Scorpions were moving, and the ground was all wet. I slept like this. No food, no water.
There was a Gopalananda Swami. I liked him very much somehow, though he was a funny person. He came to me. “Hey, have you eaten food?” he said.
He was the first man who talked like that. I said, “I don't know anything about food and all that.”
“Oh, kitchen is there,” he said. “But now it is too late. Let me go and see.”
He brought one dry bread and gave it to me. “What is this?” I said.
“What can I do?” You cannot eat. He brought some sugar and put it. “Eat it,” he said. I was hungry. I had not eaten. No breakfast, no water, no drinking. I had not taken bath also. Great miserable condition. I ate that chapatti with a little sugar.
Second day, same thing. Nobody talked to me. Third day I thought, “Now it is no use staying here. I will see my way.” I packed up my bed. Somewhere I will go, somehow. I was just walking on the Ganga side, and Gurudev was walking in front of his kutir. Now Gurudev Kutir is covered. Previously it was open.
He saw me walking. Like this he did [Swamiji gestures to come near]. After three days he did that. For two days, like Nachiketas I was. He said, “Why have you come?”
“To do yoga practice.”
“Yoga practice? No, no, no. Don't talk like that,” he said. Do akhanda kirtan, akhanda kirtan. What is akhanda kirtan? I didn't know. He said, “There is somebody there in the Bhajan Hall. Go and do Hari Ram Hari Ram Ram Ram Hari Hari, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hari Hari. Go, go.
“Stay here till death,” he said. I remember these words. “Stay here till death. I will make kings and ministers fall at your feet.” I had never seen a king, and I had never seen a minister also, so all these words had no meaning. But the words that he uttered have such meaning. Now kings and ministers are coming here and sitting in front of me.
Anyway, I went to the akhanda kirtan, went on drudging there. No room also, no room. Only in the hall I slept. Fortunately, it was summer season. I came in the month of May. On the bare floor I had to sleep. And there was an in-charge there. He said, “You sleep here only, and 2-3 hours do akhanda kirtan.” Then I came to know there is one kitchen here. I didn't know that. Then he said, “You go down there.” The kitchen was down below, in a tin shed. And they were serving food – some potato. They would serve once only. Second time you should not ask. The Ashram had no money. The potato sabji will be given once. Second time you should not ask. Chapatti and some matta, I ate it.
Somehow something is there, you see. God must have intended that I am meant for Swami Sivananda. He created me only for Swami Sivananda. It looks like that. So I never changed my mind. I could have run away from here, but no. The order from above told, “Stay here, stay.” And Swamiji became more and more familiar with me, familiar. He thought, “This is a foolish boy. He doesn't know anything. Simply he says 'yoga yoga,' and all that. Work hard, work hard.”
“Do you know typewriting?” he asked.
“Yes, I know.”
“How many months you have practised?”
“Eight months.”
“Eight months? Give the work to him,” he said, “because eight months means you are master of typing.” Then he gave me typing work of manuscripts, etc., and even correspondence he thrust on me. I cannot answer questions of people because I am a small boy. He became more and more familiar, more and more familiar.
Oh, I did hard work. I cannot tell you. I was in charge of Membership and Divine Life magazine. I myself used to write the addresses on the wrappers. There was no assistant, and no electricity, no light. A mud lamp I used to keep, and write addresses. And I used to be in charge of Mandir also at that time. He put me in charge of all things. I used to wake up this master, Satchidanandaji. “Tomorrow you do havan in Vishvanath Mandir.” And satsanga. I became… all the things put on my head. I had to arrange for satsanga in the night, and write these wrappers the whole night with a little light, and then see puja in the Vishvanath Mandir always with Satchidananda Maithani, who passed away. He was in charge. It was very difficult, very difficult. The satsanga would start in Gurudev's Kutir outside. At about 6 o'clock I had to go there and sweep the floor, and put dhari, and keep some cot, and then keep the photo of Lord Krishna, and then start Jai Ganesha, Jai Ganesh kirtan – I myself – and Sri Vishnu Sahasranama, and all that. This went on, went on, went on. But I told you, some power was working that you are meant for this place.
I will tell one story. I used to go at 6 o'clock. Swamiji became very fond of me for some reason. He used to have some apple or fruit or something. Only one person in the Ashram can take fruit. That was Swami Sivanandaji. Others don't get anything. And when I go there, he will be taking this fruit, and he will keep in a katori a little piece of it for me. This practice of Gurudev giving me every day one piece of his food enraged the cook, the cook who was giving food to Swamiji. He went and told the Secretary, some swami, “This boy personally goes there at that time, privately, eats a part of the food, and Gurudev is depriving himself and giving him. Then the Secretary told me, “Krishnananda Swamiji, why don't you go a little late? Why at that time only?” Half an hour later I went, and Gurudev asked, “Hey, why are you late today?” I cannot say anything. I kept quiet. The next day also I went late. “Hey, you don't listen to me. Discipline. Discipline is God.”
Third day when this happened, I could not contain myself. I told Gurudev, “I cannot come here early because someone is complaining that I am coming here only to eat your food.”
“Oh, accha. Hmm.” So I never went in proper time. Again I was delayed, and he told the cook, “I don't want to eat anything. I won't eat. I will eat only when he comes here.” That made matters still worse. I was in a pitiable condition. Swamiji told the cook, “I will not eat until he comes.” What will people think? They said, “This boy is a terrible boy. He has spoiled everything.” Everybody was upset. “Why Swamiji is saying like that, 'I will not eat until he comes'?” I passed through this torture. It was a torture for me. It went on like that.
Even suffering here, I was not going away somewhere. But I'm telling my suffering. You would not have stayed three days here in my condition. So much work I was doing, and torture like this, and cannot eat food, and asthma. You would have run away in three days. But I maintained my power of balance of mind and willpower, and now I feel that God has really blessed me. He has given me everything. I have got willpower, I have got sufficient understanding of my way of living. I lack nothing in this world. It is all due to the blessing of Gurudev Swami Sivanandaji Maharaj: “Stay here till death.” So I will not go from here now. Till death I will stay here only. I must follow that word, advice. Where will I go? I left everything and came. Now again going, where will I go? I stay here. Whatever the difficulty, I have decided to stay here till my last day. I cannot go anywhere.
But I have no complaints because God has given everything. I have done a lot of work for The Divine Life Society, and everyone knows what work I have done. And not only that, Gurudev has spread my name throughout the world. Everybody knows who is Swami Krishnananda. Great blessing. Like Nachiketas, worse than that, like Yogi Milarepa of Tibet – suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering. Untold suffering I underwent, without food, without water. But then after that he started. Master of yoga he became.
So I'm telling you, be happy, be happy. Don't grudge. Forget everything. “I am determined to be happy today. I am very happy under Gurudev's umbrella. I am living under Gurudev's umbrella. Everything is fine,” tell. Okay?