Swami Krishnananda Shashtyabdapurti Mahotsava Commemoration Volume

A Souvenir released on Swami Krishnananda's 60th Birthday

Under My Skin

by Siva Kiekens

"Besmear your eyes with the ointment of wisdom, you will be rooted in the Bliss of 'the Supreme." —Swami Sivananda

The first years of my Yoga practice were very fascinating. I devoured books and scriptures. Everything that stimulated my imagination was intensely practised. At first I was very happy with the results, but as the years passed by, there grew in me a deep dissatisfaction, a gap between my poor experiences and the great promise of Yoga, as if I was starving, while smelling the most delicious food. The only instrument that I really knew was my will power, while God was something, somewhere. My will power failed over and over again; I felt despondent.

Through the grace of worshipful Sri Swami Chidanandaji, I went to Sivanandashram for attending a Yoga and meditation course. From Makara Sankaranti upto Sivaratri in 1970, I was engaged full time in Yoga, encouraged by a man who was visibly established in Self-consciousness, like the Sthitaprajna in Chapter II of the Bhagavad Gita, but who at the same time seemed to have a vivid recollection of the problem of seekers like me. That wonderful man was Pujya Sri Swami Krishnanandaji.

Every morning Swamiji entered the Satsang-hall in a deep, say, transcendental consciousness, a kind of absence (or sublime presence) that inspired me to a hundred per cent receptive listening. After some prayers, which he sang in a sublime, almost inimitable rhythm, Swamiji would take a deep breath and open his eyes. And with his look in-turned, slowly, slowly his words began to flow from the depth of his being. Little by little he got into his swing and there poured out a tremendous stream of words, stirring and overwhelming, but giving little pricks now and then to get hold of the one thread in all his lessons, leading to a receptive listening and to a looking within, on the spot by the listener to see what Swamiji's words meant as an experience.

I usually sat in front of Swamiji, nearly within arm's reach, as if we were all alone, as if each word was meant for me.

Slowly every lesson became a real meditation, in which Swamiji thoroughly broke down so many old opinions, prejudices, ideas and images, so much so that sometimes I felt completely empty, so empty as to be confronted with some bitter lack, some painful loneliness. Swamiji seemed to feel what I felt and put his finger on the sore spot, throwing me in aloneness, cutting the threads of many relations and taking me out of the mind-computer, to show me that I was a myth only, that love and hatred were similar and that every thought was a cry for... for what?

It was about that time that Swamiji asked us to practise Mouna, a strange experience that, for the first time in my life, made me continuously conscious of what was going on in me. I observed thoughts and feelings as clouds in the sky and was again and again confronted with aloneness.

At the same time, we took our seat in a mental spaceship, exploding the psychological infinite". We became restfully conscious of the Satsang-hall, Mother Ganga, the Himalayas, the sky, the stars... It was that particular meditation that made me gather peace with my aloneness, that made me understand that the Self is transpersonal and that Yoga is an inquiry into the fundamental relation between all things.

“Seeing cannot be explained” said Swamiji, “unless we accept the existence of consciousness that is immanent in the seen, and all parts and bits of the process of seeing and in the seer, and transcending them all”. Somehow, at once I understood that and explored the oneness of consciousness in looking at Swamiji and at the Ganga in my spare time.

“An analytical Adhibhautik research is not relevant to discover your relation with the without,” said Swamiji, “Yoga begins with on Adhyatmik research without any borrowed instruments”.

I understood that I had to be choice loosely and restfully aware and stand at the edge, as it were, of all inner experiences, inquiring into who the experiencer was. Then and there Yoga began, as the Self or God was no longer something somewhere, and as the goal of Yoga was no longer somewhere in the future, but here and now.

That was followed by an Adhibhautik enquiry, learning to see something – Swamiji or mother Ganga, of course – in its own status, as it was, without mental images, feelings and attitudes.

Thus I saw two things: firstly they mental process of seeing, defining, naming, taking attitudes etc., and secondly, there transpersonal fact of Seeing itself. The very same day I read a book of Ramana Maharshi: “The act of seeing is the highest Truth”. That was quite a revelation, though I felt that some mistake had been made in translating Ramana's words, because seeing was never an act, but an unchangeable fact.

Swami Krishnanandaji's classes continued. The stream of words kept on flowing, in connection with the Self and with the one Consciousness immanent in everything. But some day, I was most deeply touched when Swamiji said: "Yoga is seeing like the Adidaiva sees; Yoga is seeing like God sees". What at first was merely a philosophical thought, became a meditation and an experience, seeing the Adibhuta (the without) in its own status and observing the fullness of the Adhyatmika experiences. While being aware of Swamiji or Mother Ganga, I tried to remain aware of the mental process of seeing, impressions making ripples in the lake of the mind, memories, feelings and attitudes. While receptively looking, I was aware of the play of the mind and the intellect and felt attracted towards That in which the within, the without and the above are one. Only one thought remained: "Narayana Paro Dhyata Dhyanant Narayana Parah".

Such most blissful moments became a memory. God became a vivid Presence. I was richer than a king when Sivaratri came nearer, though I felt very sick by that time, and though so much was still too vague, too ununderstood, too unexperienced. When after a Pada Puja at the Samadhi shrine of Worshipful Gurudev, I took leave of Swami Krishnanandaji, I burst out in tears; tears of true happiness, tears of pain for the separation of a beloved one whom I had felt under my skin for many weeks, tears of fear to return home with a tender treasure.

Coming home was agreeable and yet it was not. Old relations entered my skin and the Presence of God melted away as snow before the heat of the sun.

But nothing was forgotten. All the seeking was to be done over and over again.

In my Sadhana room and at least a hundred times a day I engaged myself in seeing. And some day I found something replacing Swamiji: the most holy Bhagavad Gita.

In Adhyatmika, Adhibhautika and Adidaivika meditation I was once again instructed, mainly through the 13th Discourse, about the distinction between the field and the Knower of the field: "He sees who sees the Supreme Lord, existing equally in all beings, the unperishing within the perishing". God is shining brightly in all the senses, He is the enjoyer of all actions and only His very Presence is real Samatva.

In His Presence, we are myths only. In His Presence, we are without will and we accept everything happening as they happen. In His Presence only we can discover what is really meant by “Yoga Kamasu Kaushalam”. In His Presence, the whole Bhagavad Gita reveals the highest Truth. Living in his presence is the highest Sadhana.

What Swami Krishnanandaji meant me cannot be expressed in words though I have given it a try. He knows that I am a myth only, an emptiness craving for His continuous Presence. He is one who showers that grace in abundance upon all seekers. May the 60 Days' Programme the occasion of the holy Shashtyabdapurti of H.H. Revered Sri Swami Krishnananda Maharaj be a period in which numberless seekers may find the sublime lasting treasure of living in God's Presence. Krishnananda Maharaj ki... Jai!